Who Am I ?

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Boy, that’s a question we all ask ourselves throughout our lives. I truly thought that once you reach a certain age you eventually find out who you are but as I am aging I am beginning to think we are ever changing and therefor maybe we never really know..

Maybe who we are changes with each stage in life and then again, maybe we are always the same only with different thoughts and ideas. I had believed that over the last fourteen years I changed and for the better. I will admit and without any self pride, I have changed in many ways and I have changed for the better except for one of the most important parts of me that again, I believed I left behind and that is, living in fear. For many years I lived in fear and I don’t mean small fears I am talking paralyzing, life stopping fear.Ā 

I worked very hard to get through that and learned how to live again or so I thought. This past April my husband, the love of my life, my rock, my everything suffered a heart attack. Since then he’s been having issues that all lead back to his cardiac health and once again, I find myself, living in fear. Each day I walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Terrifying thoughts of my husband suddenly dying fill my thoughts throughout the day so much so, that they make me wince at times. Each day when I get up I make sure to get myself together as in put makeup on before I do anything else because what happens if I need to go to the hospital because something happens to him? I make sure to always have my bag filled with what I might need, always making sure to have a sweater at the ready if I have to rush out.

This I can tell is not easy and no way to live but the honest truth is, that while I may seem to others to be ‘doing fine’ inside I am absolutely twisted with fear and I really don’t know how to work on getting better this time. So it begs the question for me, do we really ever become who we want to be or do we just go through small changes here and there only to at some point find ourselves where we began?

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2 thoughts on “Who Am I ?

  1. I think everyone struggles with fears of some sort. I also think the older we get , although we have grown spiritually, we know that we are drawing closer to the end of this life on earth and that we will most likely have to suffer loss of a loved one. I know that either my hubby or myself can leave this earth at any time, and that it can happen in the next 15 years since we are older. I find I seek for peace of mind and it does come through adoration and I do like the rosary for focusing my mind on what is important. I try to enjoy each precious day. But there is often the niggling fear in the background. I am working on filling my mind with what is true, honorable, just, pure, pleasing, commendable as Philippians 4 says. One of my goals this coming year is to cultivate more of God’s peace and to focus on trusting Him with the details of my life. I do keep you and your husband in my daily prayers!

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    • Hi Kim,
      Well, thats been a problem for me lately. Call it a crisis of faith I guess. I went to confession Tuesday and then I went to Adoration which really helped for a bit and still is but it’s waning unfortunately.I am trying though. Thank you so much for reading my post and commenting XO..

      Liked by 1 person

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