Boy, that’s a question we all ask ourselves throughout our lives. I truly thought that once you reach a certain age you eventually find out who you are but as I am aging I am beginning to think we are ever changing and therefor maybe we never really know..
Maybe who we are changes with each stage in life and then again, maybe we are always the same only with different thoughts and ideas. I had believed that over the last fourteen years I changed and for the better. I will admit and without any self pride, I have changed in many ways and I have changed for the better except for one of the most important parts of me that again, I believed I left behind and that is, living in fear. For many years I lived in fear and I don’t mean small fears I am talking paralyzing, life stopping fear.
I worked very hard to get through that and learned how to live again or so I thought. This past April my husband, the love of my life, my rock, my everything suffered a heart attack. Since then he’s been having issues that all lead back to his cardiac health and once again, I find myself, living in fear. Each day I walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Terrifying thoughts of my husband suddenly dying fill my thoughts throughout the day so much so, that they make me wince at times. Each day when I get up I make sure to get myself together as in put makeup on before I do anything else because what happens if I need to go to the hospital because something happens to him? I make sure to always have my bag filled with what I might need, always making sure to have a sweater at the ready if I have to rush out.
This I can tell is not easy and no way to live but the honest truth is, that while I may seem to others to be ‘doing fine’ inside I am absolutely twisted with fear and I really don’t know how to work on getting better this time. So it begs the question for me, do we really ever become who we want to be or do we just go through small changes here and there only to at some point find ourselves where we began?