Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 


The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 


So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11


My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 


I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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I’m Feeling It Lately

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There are many days, okay, most days that I try very hard not to complain, not to show how I am feeling and or I blow it off as no big deal but lately, sheeweee, I am having a really hard time with this. 

I am beginning to wonder if the last Twenty Two or Twenty Six years are finally catching up with me. I say take your pick between years because I was originally diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 1990 but it didn’t completely disabled me until 1994 so, take your pick. To me, twenty two, twenty six, it really doesn’t matter. Bottom line is, it’s been a long time. 

The last eight months or so I now suffer daily, excruciating pain like I never had in all my years of chronic illness. Which tells me, either something ‘new’ is going on or the old stuff is getting worse. I haven’t figured it out yet, don’t know if I ever will. 

One of the hardest parts is living in the South none of the doctors here and trust me, I’ve seen plenty of them understand , are not educated in nor do they care to be educated in Lyme disease and it’s associated tick born illnesses. It kind of leaves me hanging on a cliff daily just wondering when I’ll fall over. Not the easiest way to live but, I have faith that God knows what’s in store for me be it good or bad I know He will be with me.

Each day I literally drag myself out of bed and force myself to begin the day with whatever that entails. Usually it’s feeding the five mouths with four paws and then it’s off to the races taking care to see my husband has what he needs and then what my house needs. In typical female fashion I put my own needs last but as of late, I’m not even sure what those needs are anymore. See what I’m saying? My brain fog is so thick that if I were a boat lost at sea in the fog I’d capsize and drown. Not so sure I’m not drowning now but I will continue to do as I try too. Each day I will give my life and my day to the Lord, ask for guidance, ask for the intelligence to recognize his guidance and then follow it and Him. 

New Sig

 

I'm Feeling It Lately

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There are many days, okay, most days that I try very hard not to complain, not to show how I am feeling and or I blow it off as no big deal but lately, sheeweee, I am having a really hard time with this. 

I am beginning to wonder if the last Twenty Two or Twenty Six years are finally catching up with me. I say take your pick between years because I was originally diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 1990 but it didn’t completely disabled me until 1994 so, take your pick. To me, twenty two, twenty six, it really doesn’t matter. Bottom line is, it’s been a long time. 

The last eight months or so I now suffer daily, excruciating pain like I never had in all my years of chronic illness. Which tells me, either something ‘new’ is going on or the old stuff is getting worse. I haven’t figured it out yet, don’t know if I ever will. 

One of the hardest parts is living in the South none of the doctors here and trust me, I’ve seen plenty of them understand , are not educated in nor do they care to be educated in Lyme disease and it’s associated tick born illnesses. It kind of leaves me hanging on a cliff daily just wondering when I’ll fall over. Not the easiest way to live but, I have faith that God knows what’s in store for me be it good or bad I know He will be with me.

Each day I literally drag myself out of bed and force myself to begin the day with whatever that entails. Usually it’s feeding the five mouths with four paws and then it’s off to the races taking care to see my husband has what he needs and then what my house needs. In typical female fashion I put my own needs last but as of late, I’m not even sure what those needs are anymore. See what I’m saying? My brain fog is so thick that if I were a boat lost at sea in the fog I’d capsize and drown. Not so sure I’m not drowning now but I will continue to do as I try too. Each day I will give my life and my day to the Lord, ask for guidance, ask for the intelligence to recognize his guidance and then follow it and Him. 

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In An Instant

Well, my last post titled “Incredibly Grateful” (click the link to read if you missed it) was unfortunately a bit premature. In that post I was So grateful that the swelling in my husbands leg and foot were as we were told attributed to the massive doses of steroids they had him on for a nasty case of bronchitis for over a month. How I wish that was truly what it was..

On Saturday April 16th in the morning hours, my husband of eighteen years suffered a heart attack. Stunned? I was as well and so much more.. This post should be the one titled Incredibly Grateful. My husband had been complaining of heart burn and indigestion for a few days but we both thought it was his stomach. Due to the high level of pain medications he takes daily because of all his back surgeries his stomach has a tendency to cause him problems when he eats too much red sauce which he actually had three days in a row that week. 

But by Saturday morning he knew something was terribly wrong but still thought it was his stomach. After telling me he didn’t feel well and he wanted to go to the emergency room just in case I , of course panicked in my usual fashion and wanted to call an ambulance. He in his ‘man’ fashion refused to let me do so. God was with us that morning because I was able to weave through traffic doing about eighty miles an hour, we got the ER where they immediately took him into the back and hooked him up to all kind of vitals monitors, they were popping nitro in his mouth left and right along with aspirin and at first nothing was showing on his EKG’s or monitors. Finally the pain hit him horribly, began to go down his left arm and leg. He also complained about the inside of his ears hurting terribly and his head feeling like it was going to explode. I ran and got the nurse and the doctor was following behind. He had gotten back my husbands cardiac enzymes blood work and his words to me and my husband were “Mr. (left out for privacy) you are having a heart attack. We are going to be transporting you to the big hospital in Myrtle Beach to the heart center where they will quickly take you up to the cath lab and fix this. 

You can’t even imagine (unless you’ve been there) the fear in both our eyes and the immediate tears. I won’t go into any further detail because this post would be even longer but I will tell you that as I sit here today I am more grateful to God than I ever thought possible because my husband came home last Monday on April 18th, my birthday, best present I’ve ever gotten. He is doing well, eating well and we will see his heart doctor for the first follow up May 16th. Looking back over the course of the last few months it seems like so many things were happening to him that had no explanation. Almost like everything was coming together for the perfect storm. Have you ever just had that “gut” feeling that “something was coming” and it wasn’t going to be good? I have had that feeling as far as he was concerned since February and on April 16th all the pieces fell into place but, thankfully and incredibly mercifully God said “No it’s not your time yet but now you must both wake up to what is important in this life that I have given you and now regiven you”. I can tell you, our entire lives have changed and we are fully awake now. I will explain all that in my next post.. 

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Thank you all for reading and remember to smile even when you don’t feel like it, and love those in your life each day until it hurts.. 

Blog Signture

I'm Fine Thanks

i-am-fine-thanks

Yesterday I posted a video to my YouTube Channel for a health update on me. People on my channel are always asking and since it had been a while I thought it was time. 

In that video I talked about what my plan of action is and I may have made it sound like it’s simple but I am here to tell you, it’s not. The one thing I will do throughout is rely on the Lord to carry me, show me, heal me. I will Trust In Him. Sounds easy doesn’t it?

Some of the comments people left included how they believed I have a deep faith etc. I’d like to think I do but the truth is, for as much faith as I may have it’s not easy trusting in the Lord. It means giving up total control over things you believe you’ve always had control over when in reality you never had but we as humans think we control everything in our own lives. So because of this thinking we all seem to have, when it comes time to hand it back to the One who gave it to us to begin with there is resistance as if it were always ours. It feels like we are putting our lives in the hands of God (where it’s always been) but what will He do with it? What He’s always wanted to. Lead us, guide us. 

I know God will care for me and allow and permit what He sees fit to even if I don’t understand it but even knowing this and believing this will all my heart it’s still frightening. It’s still feels a little bit ‘unknown’. I thought in my video I also came off as having this “well it is what it is and will be and I’ll deal with it” frame of mind. This is mostly true but I will tell you I don’t always “deal” with it. As a matter of fact I’ve run from it for the last thirteen years and I am still as scared as I was when first diagnosed twenty – two years ago. 

Sometimes I think I make my life look like I am handling things just fine when it reality I don’t. Each day is a fight between my body and my mind. Each morning I wake up tired as if I haven’t slept at all when in fact I slept six or seven hours. I go to bed in pain and I wake up in pain. Some have said, ” I don’t know how you do it not having been able to eat a solid meal in thirteen years. My answer is always , “well you’d be surprised what you can get used to when you have no choice”.

That is also mostly true but the whole truth is, I am always hungry. I am always wanting a cheeseburger, a piece of pizza. I salivate sometimes when I finish cooking a meal for my husband. I go to bed hungry and I wake up hungry a lot of times. It’s not easy going to a friends or an event where here in America it’s centered around food, dinners, community breaking of the bread together. So yes, you can get used to something if you have no choice but it’s never 100% and it always bothers you. You always yearn to be able to do that which you can no longer do. You always wish and pray God will just swoop in and take it all away and you’ll wake up and be able to have a huge breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast.

Each day is filled with uncertainty because I may feel fine one moment and the very next my head is pounding and my body feels like it’s been run over by a bus and all the plans I had lined up are now sidelined because I need to rest.. At times, a lot of times, the simplest thing can be the hardest thing for me. Taking a shower, reading a book, walking, talking on the phone. All things most of us take for granted when we are well. 

Then there is the isolation that comes from being chronically ill. Friends are few and far between if there are any at all. There is no social life because those who are not ill stop sending invites because you either haven’t accepted in the past or canceled at the last minute (both because you were ill ) or finally because they don’t want to take on a friendship with someone who is ill all the time and can’t participate in the activities most can.

I know this isolation very well. When I first began getting sick some friends still stuck around but slowly, one by one they disappeared. When we moved from the North to the South meeting people was not easy. We have met a few people since moving and all of them with the exception of two have never once ever asked to stop by, invited me to their home, never suggested meeting for a while even in a park on a nice day just to sit and talk since I can’t walk distances. No one has ever offered any kind of help in the way of could they run an errand, do you need help in the house,  do we need dinner one night, can we offer to take you somewhere.  

The sad reality is, most people, are busy in their lives and too busy to stop to offer a kindness to one less fortunate. I don’t say this because I am bitter or angry. I am neither of those but I am, a realist. This is the sad truth about being chronically ill. Eventually you don’t feel part of the ‘normal’ world anymore. You are living in your own isolated world. An yes, it gets lonely but it seems to be the nature of the beast.

So you see, my attitude isn’t always on the up and up and my days aren’t always good. I can’t always just “push through it” and the health issue’s I do have frighten me, frustrate me and yes, make me feel alone a lot of the time. I know there are many out there who suffer in the same way so in spirit I am not alone but in reality I am.

There is much more I could write but I fear I have bored you long enough and I am not even sure if this post made any sense.

Until next time……

Blog Signture

I’m Fine Thanks

i-am-fine-thanks

Yesterday I posted a video to my YouTube Channel for a health update on me. People on my channel are always asking and since it had been a while I thought it was time. 

In that video I talked about what my plan of action is and I may have made it sound like it’s simple but I am here to tell you, it’s not. The one thing I will do throughout is rely on the Lord to carry me, show me, heal me. I will Trust In Him. Sounds easy doesn’t it?

Some of the comments people left included how they believed I have a deep faith etc. I’d like to think I do but the truth is, for as much faith as I may have it’s not easy trusting in the Lord. It means giving up total control over things you believe you’ve always had control over when in reality you never had but we as humans think we control everything in our own lives. So because of this thinking we all seem to have, when it comes time to hand it back to the One who gave it to us to begin with there is resistance as if it were always ours. It feels like we are putting our lives in the hands of God (where it’s always been) but what will He do with it? What He’s always wanted to. Lead us, guide us. 

I know God will care for me and allow and permit what He sees fit to even if I don’t understand it but even knowing this and believing this will all my heart it’s still frightening. It’s still feels a little bit ‘unknown’. I thought in my video I also came off as having this “well it is what it is and will be and I’ll deal with it” frame of mind. This is mostly true but I will tell you I don’t always “deal” with it. As a matter of fact I’ve run from it for the last thirteen years and I am still as scared as I was when first diagnosed twenty – two years ago. 

Sometimes I think I make my life look like I am handling things just fine when it reality I don’t. Each day is a fight between my body and my mind. Each morning I wake up tired as if I haven’t slept at all when in fact I slept six or seven hours. I go to bed in pain and I wake up in pain. Some have said, ” I don’t know how you do it not having been able to eat a solid meal in thirteen years. My answer is always , “well you’d be surprised what you can get used to when you have no choice”.

That is also mostly true but the whole truth is, I am always hungry. I am always wanting a cheeseburger, a piece of pizza. I salivate sometimes when I finish cooking a meal for my husband. I go to bed hungry and I wake up hungry a lot of times. It’s not easy going to a friends or an event where here in America it’s centered around food, dinners, community breaking of the bread together. So yes, you can get used to something if you have no choice but it’s never 100% and it always bothers you. You always yearn to be able to do that which you can no longer do. You always wish and pray God will just swoop in and take it all away and you’ll wake up and be able to have a huge breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast.

Each day is filled with uncertainty because I may feel fine one moment and the very next my head is pounding and my body feels like it’s been run over by a bus and all the plans I had lined up are now sidelined because I need to rest.. At times, a lot of times, the simplest thing can be the hardest thing for me. Taking a shower, reading a book, walking, talking on the phone. All things most of us take for granted when we are well. 

Then there is the isolation that comes from being chronically ill. Friends are few and far between if there are any at all. There is no social life because those who are not ill stop sending invites because you either haven’t accepted in the past or canceled at the last minute (both because you were ill ) or finally because they don’t want to take on a friendship with someone who is ill all the time and can’t participate in the activities most can.

I know this isolation very well. When I first began getting sick some friends still stuck around but slowly, one by one they disappeared. When we moved from the North to the South meeting people was not easy. We have met a few people since moving and all of them with the exception of two have never once ever asked to stop by, invited me to their home, never suggested meeting for a while even in a park on a nice day just to sit and talk since I can’t walk distances. No one has ever offered any kind of help in the way of could they run an errand, do you need help in the house,  do we need dinner one night, can we offer to take you somewhere.  

The sad reality is, most people, are busy in their lives and too busy to stop to offer a kindness to one less fortunate. I don’t say this because I am bitter or angry. I am neither of those but I am, a realist. This is the sad truth about being chronically ill. Eventually you don’t feel part of the ‘normal’ world anymore. You are living in your own isolated world. An yes, it gets lonely but it seems to be the nature of the beast.

So you see, my attitude isn’t always on the up and up and my days aren’t always good. I can’t always just “push through it” and the health issue’s I do have frighten me, frustrate me and yes, make me feel alone a lot of the time. I know there are many out there who suffer in the same way so in spirit I am not alone but in reality I am.

There is much more I could write but I fear I have bored you long enough and I am not even sure if this post made any sense.

Until next time……

Blog Signture

What's Really Important….

Hi everyone,

I”m sorry Ive been away from my blog but I’ve not been feeling well and so my blog had to go on the back burner. I did want to come on here tonight and share a post with you from my personal blog because while I LOVE makeup etc sometimes, I need to get to what is really most important in life and to me, it’s all about the love we show others.. family, friends and strangers alike. Having said that, I want to share this post about a beautiful little boy and I truly hope you will read it all the way through. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and God bless you..

 

Hi Friends,

I felt deeply compelled to write this post this morning because it puts things quickly into perspective for me. I truly hope you’ll read the entire post and if this subject bothers you just think about how much it’s hurting those involved before shutting me down..

.Over the last six to eight months I’ve realized that Facebook seems to be more of a stress for me than anything else so I haven’t been on it much. Thats a whole different subject for another day.. but, yesterday I began posting political things on my Facebook page and then while scrolling through my newsfeed at 3 AM this morning there it was, reality staring me in the face. For myself, while politics is important, the running of our country is important, a little person like myself isn’t going to make much of an impact.. I don’t ‘hold the strings’ that make government run..In another two years we’ll have someone else in the white house who won’t listen to the people, all new branches of government who also won’t listen to the people only making sure they take care of them and theirs and on and on..

What I read at 3AM this morning brought my heart and my mind back to what truly matters in this life and that my friends is how we care for others.. Both family an strangers alike.. Here is what I am talking about..

Please meet , Prestun Seibel.

prestun

He’s five years old and………..he’s also been fighting for his life since he’s Three years old. Prestun has Neuroblastoma. One of THE most horrific childhood cancers known to man with ‘no known cure’.  Children like Prestun have their bodies ravaged by cancer, antiquated chemo regimens from the 1960’s meant for adults, radiation therapy, countless surgeries that further mutilate their tiny little bodies and in the end, the majority of the time, the cancer makes it to the finish line first..

Well, Prestun had been doing well and we were all praying he would be in remission for a long time to come. Sadly, Prestuns mom found out he has relapsed and in the worse place possible. There is a tumor now located in his head in the lining area between the skull and the brain. They have already begun massively high doses of chemo two days ago to try and stop this monster from getting any deeper into the brain.  If the chemo does not work they will have to go into the little boys skull and try and remove it. As a parent , please put yourself in the shoes of this mother.. You would be terrified beyond your wits. The side affects of the chemo have already begun. Prestun is dealing with terrible vomiting and low blood counts.

p2

He’s in a perilous situation right now and, so are his parents and they need help. YOUR HELP.. There will be many trips back and forth to New York City from their home in Kansas for treatment and all the expenses that will incur as well. So yes, I am asking you to please donate to help Prestun be able to receive the best possible care he can get and that’s in New York City. His parents are not wealthy people, they are everyday people like you and I trying to save the life of their child.  Any small amount will help.. Think about this. Do you really need that new shirt? Do you really need that package of donuts? Does your child need yet another video game or some other kind of electronic? As most of you know, my husband and I are not made of money and we struggle like everyone else but we will be helping Prestun and his family as much as we can.. The meaning of life is to love one another and if you can’t love a child like Prestun in so much need then who can you love?

So yes, I am begging you to please donate to help. I am also asking you, if you have a FaceBook account , please go to Prestuns page, like his page, share his page and share his moms latest update about his relapse from August 3rd 2014. Please open your heart and be as generous as you can be.

 Here is the link to donate to the fund for Prestun

DONATE TO HELP PRESTUN

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Prestun Seibel

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