Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 

The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 

So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11

My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 

I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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My Ten Year Old Self…



I was recently asked, if I had the opportunity to go back and write a letter to myself when I was ten years old what would I tell my ten year old self? I thought about it for a bit but not too long because now at forty-six I know exactly what I would have said. My letter would look something like this. 

Hello ten year old self. 

Why don’t you come and sit down next to me here on this cozy blanket so we can talk a bit. 

I know you’re afraid. I know life seems uncertain and scary. I know the kids at school are being cruel to you and I know that you feel like everything has been ripped out from under you and everything has changed. 

In one aspect you are right. Everything has changed but just because it’s changed doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad. You don’t have to be frightened. Your mom will still be with you for a long, long time. You will feel comfortable again in a house that you will eventually call home. The kids at school don’t understand what you’re going through so do the best you can to ignore them and when you can’t talk to your teacher. Don’t be afraid to go to school and when you are tell your mom and she will help you. It’s only a few months until summer and the next school year will be better. 


Soon you will feel comfortable around kids and grown ups again. In time the world will feel secure around you again. It won’t be the same as it was before but it will be alright and you will grow and mature and become a confident young woman who can feel safe and accomplish whatever you put your mind to.

Good and bad things happen all the time and they always will no matter how old you get but even when you feel like no one understands and you’re all alone there is one person that is always, always with you. Jesus is always with you even if you can’t see Him, He’s there. All you have to do is say “Jesus I’m scared” and I guarantee you that in a few moments you will feel better because Jesus will put His arms around you and make you all better. Just like you know your daddy isn’t here where you can see him but you know he’s in heaven and  he is always watching you and putting his arms around you too.

I know everything I am telling you right now seems impossible but I am asking you to hold my hand, trust me and go forward. Your world has changed but all that change will get better and you will stop crying, you will stop being afraid. You will smile again and you will shine again.



Your adult self. 

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