Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 


The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 


So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11


My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 


I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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Who Am I ?

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Boy, that’s a question we all ask ourselves throughout our lives. I truly thought that once you reach a certain age you eventually find out who you are but as I am aging I am beginning to think we are ever changing and therefor maybe we never really know..

Maybe who we are changes with each stage in life and then again, maybe we are always the same only with different thoughts and ideas. I had believed that over the last fourteen years I changed and for the better. I will admit and without any self pride, I have changed in many ways and I have changed for the better except for one of the most important parts of me that again, I believed I left behind and that is, living in fear. For many years I lived in fear and I don’t mean small fears I am talking paralyzing, life stopping fear. 

I worked very hard to get through that and learned how to live again or so I thought. This past April my husband, the love of my life, my rock, my everything suffered a heart attack. Since then he’s been having issues that all lead back to his cardiac health and once again, I find myself, living in fear. Each day I walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Terrifying thoughts of my husband suddenly dying fill my thoughts throughout the day so much so, that they make me wince at times. Each day when I get up I make sure to get myself together as in put makeup on before I do anything else because what happens if I need to go to the hospital because something happens to him? I make sure to always have my bag filled with what I might need, always making sure to have a sweater at the ready if I have to rush out.

This I can tell is not easy and no way to live but the honest truth is, that while I may seem to others to be ‘doing fine’ inside I am absolutely twisted with fear and I really don’t know how to work on getting better this time. So it begs the question for me, do we really ever become who we want to be or do we just go through small changes here and there only to at some point find ourselves where we began?

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Life Updates & Ramblings

nlifeupdate

As most of you know we got hit pretty good here in the Myrtle Beach SC area from Hurricane Matthew.  Being without electricity for four days sure gave me a real good appreciation for light. The days weren’t so bad but it was when that sun would go down and everything was absolutely pitch black that by the third night it was seriously starting to get to my brain. We had some damage to our home but nothing too serious and I believe we are very blessed. 

The river near my home is and has been flooding all week long. There are towns in my county that are and have completely disappeared because they are totally underwater.. Here’s some photos..

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So when you I look at these photos and I think about everything that has been lost I feel doubly blessed that we had some minor damage that we have insurance for. 

My husbands feet and ankles began to swell a month ago after being put on yet another statin to try. These are drugs for lowering cholesterol if you didn’t know that. He’s had trouble in the past few months with this reaction to other statins but they wanted to try one more. This time it was Crestor and it’s been pure hell since. I’ve have since been learning a lot about this class of drugs and they are killers. Back to my husband. His cardiologist put him on water pills last week and they have begun to help and I can finally see his feet again but that doesn’t answer why the swelling is there to begin with. When his feet swelled the last time, once the statin was removed the fluid went away. This time, it didn’t and it only continued to get worse. 

Friday found us at a medical imaging place to make sure he didn’t have a blood clot in the right leg as the right foot swelled much more than the left and keeps turning red. The radiologist at the ultra sound thought he saw something but wasn’t sure so they sent us straight over to the medical center so the vascular team could look. They said there’s nothing wrong. We are back to the drawing board.

The cardiologist keeps saying it doesn’t have anything to do with his heart which I find completely mind boggling considering the fact that my husbands feet first began to swell a week before his heart attack this past April AND.. the fact that feet and ankle swelling can have everything to do with heart disease ie: blockages. Tomorrow I will make an appointment with our family doctor to have blood work run on his liver and kidneys as he’s on a ton of pills for his back pain (9 back surgeries will do that) plus pills for his heart and I will also request an EKG.. I am not letting this go. I am like a rabid dog when it comes to my husbands health (I wish I were that way with my own) and I am not letting this go until I have a concrete answer. I don’t care how many enemies I make in the process. 

As you can imagine this is taking a deep toll on me. I am so incredibly wear in every way. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

matthew-11-28-300x225

My own health has not been good for 26 years and all of this since April I believe, is finally getting to my body. I am sleeping so much that it’s beginning to concern me and the thought of doing the simplest thing like talking to people some days just seems too exhausting to even try. Not to mention that my brain is constantly going at mach speed trying to figure this all out to the point that I can’t concentrate on any one thing for more than five minutes. The fact that I am even able to sit long enough to write this post is amazing in itself.. 

Until next time..

New Sig

 

Life Updates & Ramblings

nlifeupdate

As most of you know we got hit pretty good here in the Myrtle Beach SC area from Hurricane Matthew.  Being without electricity for four days sure gave me a real good appreciation for light. The days weren’t so bad but it was when that sun would go down and everything was absolutely pitch black that by the third night it was seriously starting to get to my brain. We had some damage to our home but nothing too serious and I believe we are very blessed. 

The river near my home is and has been flooding all week long. There are towns in my county that are and have completely disappeared because they are totally underwater.. Here’s some photos..

14522785_10154555097702716_6266080462509255537_n151007074358-south-carolina-flooding-drone-sanchez-newday-00001420-large-169sumter-county-black-river

So when you I look at these photos and I think about everything that has been lost I feel doubly blessed that we had some minor damage that we have insurance for. 

My husbands feet and ankles began to swell a month ago after being put on yet another statin to try. These are drugs for lowering cholesterol if you didn’t know that. He’s had trouble in the past few months with this reaction to other statins but they wanted to try one more. This time it was Crestor and it’s been pure hell since. I’ve have since been learning a lot about this class of drugs and they are killers. Back to my husband. His cardiologist put him on water pills last week and they have begun to help and I can finally see his feet again but that doesn’t answer why the swelling is there to begin with. When his feet swelled the last time, once the statin was removed the fluid went away. This time, it didn’t and it only continued to get worse. 

Friday found us at a medical imaging place to make sure he didn’t have a blood clot in the right leg as the right foot swelled much more than the left and keeps turning red. The radiologist at the ultra sound thought he saw something but wasn’t sure so they sent us straight over to the medical center so the vascular team could look. They said there’s nothing wrong. We are back to the drawing board.

The cardiologist keeps saying it doesn’t have anything to do with his heart which I find completely mind boggling considering the fact that my husbands feet first began to swell a week before his heart attack this past April AND.. the fact that feet and ankle swelling can have everything to do with heart disease ie: blockages. Tomorrow I will make an appointment with our family doctor to have blood work run on his liver and kidneys as he’s on a ton of pills for his back pain (9 back surgeries will do that) plus pills for his heart and I will also request an EKG.. I am not letting this go. I am like a rabid dog when it comes to my husbands health (I wish I were that way with my own) and I am not letting this go until I have a concrete answer. I don’t care how many enemies I make in the process. 

As you can imagine this is taking a deep toll on me. I am so incredibly wear in every way. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

matthew-11-28-300x225

My own health has not been good for 26 years and all of this since April I believe, is finally getting to my body. I am sleeping so much that it’s beginning to concern me and the thought of doing the simplest thing like talking to people some days just seems too exhausting to even try. Not to mention that my brain is constantly going at mach speed trying to figure this all out to the point that I can’t concentrate on any one thing for more than five minutes. The fact that I am even able to sit long enough to write this post is amazing in itself.. 

Until next time..

New Sig

 

Knowing When To Stop

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Have you ever wanted something so much that you completely stressed yourself out for months trying to make it happen?

I have. A few years back I wanted to move back North desperately for many reasons. Mostly for my health because the medical help I need is up in the North East whereas I am in the South East. Being that we are not financially well off and all that comes with that, ie: credit scores, ready cash and the list goes on I was still looking at every single avenue possible and believe it or not there are options. Of course those options are only available if, they are supposed to happen. 

I can not tell you how many times we hit a brick wall just as we got so close to our goal we could just about taste it. Four different times. Finally, after being completely stressed out to the point of exhaustion and panic attacks I said, “Okay God, I don’t know whats happening here but one thing is glaringly obvious. You do not want us to move. I don’t pretend to understand why especially when you know my medical needs and how they are not being met here but I can’t do this anymore. YOU lead. Im tired.  I realized over those months I was pushing back against what God had in store for us and my arms were finally tired. 

Very short back story. Our mortgage was outrageous, our home was underwater in a big way and we were drowning financially. It was getting time to just walk away. In the midst of this raging storm I had, on a whim put in papers with our mortgage company asking for a modification to the mortgage. I knew it wouldn’t happen but I figured, doesn’t hurt to ask right?

On Good Friday, which also happened to be my birthday a few years ago my husband and I were sitting in our den completely wiped out from the stress just staring at each other not knowing what we were going do next. Suddenly, the ringing of the phone pierced the silence. It was our mortgage company informing us that they had decided to modify our mortgage which would bring our mortgage payment down over seven hundred dollars a month. If that weren’t enough they decided to modify it for the LIFE of the loan which most places only do it for three years AND they also dropped the astronomical amount that we were underwater and brought it back down to the original mortgage price which, still puts us under water but no where near what it was and in a few years maybe it will finally be worth what we owe.

So the moral of my story here is, if there’s something you’re pushing for and you keep hitting a brick wall and slamming doors no matter what way you turn it’s very possibly God is trying to tell you, “not yet. “This is not the time”. Financially He worked things out in a big way and as for my health, well, I am leaving that to Him because I have the feeling He is working on that too..

Have faith! 

New Sig

 

My Ten Year Old Self…

 

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I was recently asked, if I had the opportunity to go back and write a letter to myself when I was ten years old what would I tell my ten year old self? I thought about it for a bit but not too long because now at forty-six I know exactly what I would have said. My letter would look something like this. 

Hello ten year old self. 

Why don’t you come and sit down next to me here on this cozy blanket so we can talk a bit. 

I know you’re afraid. I know life seems uncertain and scary. I know the kids at school are being cruel to you and I know that you feel like everything has been ripped out from under you and everything has changed. 

In one aspect you are right. Everything has changed but just because it’s changed doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad. You don’t have to be frightened. Your mom will still be with you for a long, long time. You will feel comfortable again in a house that you will eventually call home. The kids at school don’t understand what you’re going through so do the best you can to ignore them and when you can’t talk to your teacher. Don’t be afraid to go to school and when you are tell your mom and she will help you. It’s only a few months until summer and the next school year will be better. 

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Soon you will feel comfortable around kids and grown ups again. In time the world will feel secure around you again. It won’t be the same as it was before but it will be alright and you will grow and mature and become a confident young woman who can feel safe and accomplish whatever you put your mind to.

Good and bad things happen all the time and they always will no matter how old you get but even when you feel like no one understands and you’re all alone there is one person that is always, always with you. Jesus is always with you even if you can’t see Him, He’s there. All you have to do is say “Jesus I’m scared” and I guarantee you that in a few moments you will feel better because Jesus will put His arms around you and make you all better. Just like you know your daddy isn’t here where you can see him but you know he’s in heaven and  he is always watching you and putting his arms around you too.

I know everything I am telling you right now seems impossible but I am asking you to hold my hand, trust me and go forward. Your world has changed but all that change will get better and you will stop crying, you will stop being afraid. You will smile again and you will shine again.

 

Love, 

Your adult self. 

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