Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 


The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 


So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11


My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 


I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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That’s All Folks!

thats-all-folks

Hey everyone! Welcome to my weekly wrap up where I write about what this past week was like.. 

And…….not much to write about today.. I didn’t do a whole lot. I didn’t go out much either. It’s my PMS week, yes I know, TMI but hey, this is my life and that is well, sadly, a huge part of it.. So my body isn’t feeling up to ‘par’ not that it ever is but it’s not feeling up to.. hmm……half the par it usually does? Do ya’ll know about the ‘spoon theory”? If not you can read about it here.

The gist of it is, people who have chronic illness, disability of some kind etc have limited amounts of energy so, we get a certain amount of spoons to use each day. This represents our energy. Each thing you do each day will cost you a certain amount of spoons. When you’re spoons run out, you should be finished with whatever you are doing and ready to rest. The reality is for most of us, we run out of spoons before we are halfway through with our day. Meaning, there are never enough spoons in the day just as people who aren’t sick say “there are never enough hours in the day”.

For me this week my motto is, “I’m always a day late and spoon short” see what I did there? It’s usually, ” I’m always a day late and dollar short” but since I don’t have any dollars either I just replaced it with spoons. Cleaver, yes I know.. Today, Friday, I discovered the art if you call it that, of listening to audio books. I want to try and finish the crochet blanket I’ve been working on for my husband for the last eight months before the cooler weather gets here but I can never seem to make myself sit still long enough anymore. I tried watching YouTube videos but can’t crochet and try and watch an interesting video at the same time so this morning I hunted for a free app on my phone and found one. It’s called LibriVox. I chose Jane Austins “Pride and Prejudice” not that I haven’t read and seen the movies a hundred times but I like it. I began listened and crocheting and ya know, I liked it! I found it very relaxing and it’s a good way to keep myself active while I can’t be active if you know what I mean. 

I did go out on Thursday to take my two old boys Jake and Matty to the vet for check ups and nail clippings. I did get the results of Matty’s blood work today. It was not what we expected but, that’s a post for another day. I have the feeling my body is going to be keeping me it’s prisoner this weekend so I will be a couch and bed potato listening to my new found enjoyment of audio books and working on my husbands blanket when I can.. Yes I know, just so exciting my life is.. 

How was your week? What are your weekend plans? 

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That's All Folks!

thats-all-folks

Hey everyone! Welcome to my weekly wrap up where I write about what this past week was like.. 

And…….not much to write about today.. I didn’t do a whole lot. I didn’t go out much either. It’s my PMS week, yes I know, TMI but hey, this is my life and that is well, sadly, a huge part of it.. So my body isn’t feeling up to ‘par’ not that it ever is but it’s not feeling up to.. hmm……half the par it usually does? Do ya’ll know about the ‘spoon theory”? If not you can read about it here.

The gist of it is, people who have chronic illness, disability of some kind etc have limited amounts of energy so, we get a certain amount of spoons to use each day. This represents our energy. Each thing you do each day will cost you a certain amount of spoons. When you’re spoons run out, you should be finished with whatever you are doing and ready to rest. The reality is for most of us, we run out of spoons before we are halfway through with our day. Meaning, there are never enough spoons in the day just as people who aren’t sick say “there are never enough hours in the day”.

For me this week my motto is, “I’m always a day late and spoon short” see what I did there? It’s usually, ” I’m always a day late and dollar short” but since I don’t have any dollars either I just replaced it with spoons. Cleaver, yes I know.. Today, Friday, I discovered the art if you call it that, of listening to audio books. I want to try and finish the crochet blanket I’ve been working on for my husband for the last eight months before the cooler weather gets here but I can never seem to make myself sit still long enough anymore. I tried watching YouTube videos but can’t crochet and try and watch an interesting video at the same time so this morning I hunted for a free app on my phone and found one. It’s called LibriVox. I chose Jane Austins “Pride and Prejudice” not that I haven’t read and seen the movies a hundred times but I like it. I began listened and crocheting and ya know, I liked it! I found it very relaxing and it’s a good way to keep myself active while I can’t be active if you know what I mean. 

I did go out on Thursday to take my two old boys Jake and Matty to the vet for check ups and nail clippings. I did get the results of Matty’s blood work today. It was not what we expected but, that’s a post for another day. I have the feeling my body is going to be keeping me it’s prisoner this weekend so I will be a couch and bed potato listening to my new found enjoyment of audio books and working on my husbands blanket when I can.. Yes I know, just so exciting my life is.. 

How was your week? What are your weekend plans? 

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Blessings

BLESSINGS

Life is hard sometimes. Okay, life is hard most of the time but in between the hard times lay the blessings if we are smart enough to see them and recognize them. Last week was a bit rough for us here in our home. Our central air conditioning blew out on us. It was the compressor and there was no way to fix it because it was so old they didn’t even make the part anymore. It needed to be replaced. There was no question but, in replacing the air conditioning we also had to replace the heating as they run through the same unit.  You’re talking a lot of money. $4500.00 US worth. My husband and I don’t have that kind of money so we panicked. It was incredibly hot here the last two weeks with temperatures of 90’s and heat indexes to go with it in the 110’s. Well thankfully a family member came through for us and we were able to replace it.

It couldn’t be installed though until Wednesday. In the midst of this I was sick from the heat and my body decided it would add some more sickness ontop of my usual chronic sickness. I won’t go into detail but, suffice it to say, “it’s a female thing”.  We ended up spending from Saturday evening until Wednesday evening in the scorching, un-breathable humid weather for five days. Wednesday evening after the new unit had been installed and the air was cooled to the point I was actually cold I can not tell you how grateful we are. 

I spent Thursday cleaning, doing laundry, washing and changing the bedding. At the end of the night, I was tired but I was happy and COOL!. Yes, I am one of those people who needs a clean home to feel peace in my home. I can’t control much in this life but a clean home is the one thing I can control.

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On Friday we learned that a friend had tragically passed away. It was a horrific way to die and so I won’t go into detail except to say that he was only 48 years old and it made me VERY aware of all the blessings in my life. I try everyday to be thankful and grateful. The things we take for granted truly are our biggest blessings. Such as, having another day with those we love, a cool house in the summer and a warm house in the winter. Having a roof over our heads at all.. Clothing on our backs, food in our stomachs, breath in our lungs. The blessing of knowing that even if we are suffering we still have been given and are given each day still more blessings and that there are others in this world who don’t even possess the basic necessities to sustain life.  

Life is difficult. It’s even more difficult when you have financial, family and or health problems but even through all these issue’s the good Lord sends His blessings. They are there. We just have to be aware enough to see them, recognize them and thank God for them.

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It Was Frightening

Gay Pride

A group advocating AIDS research marches down Fifth Avenue during the 14th annual Lesbian and Gay Pride parade in New York, June 27, 1983. This year’s parade is dedicated to victims of the incurable disease AIDS which primarily afflicts homosexual men. (AP Photo/Mario Suriani)

It was the 80’s and I was a teenager. All of eighteen when I learned of AIDS. I know it had been around before that but as a teenager who ran fast with a fast crowd we didn’t exactly pay attention to the news. In 1988 I was working full time for an upscale auto collision shop in New Jersey. More and more AIDS was being brought to the forefront as was the hysteria surrounding it and in all honesty , it was frightening. At the time I didn’t know anyone who had AIDS but that was about to change. 

One day a customer came in who happened to be the daughter of one of our biggest accounts. She had an auto wreck and needed her car fixed she also, had AIDS. Thats when the AIDS fear entered my life. No one in the shop would get in her car to get her insurance information out of it because she had bled in the car and everyone was afraid. I admit, at first I was a bit afraid myself but that night I went home and decided to do some research and learn more and so I did.. 

Next morning I tried in vain to educate everyone in the office and the shop that they had nothing to fear that once “it dries it dies” but my words fell on deaf ears. Finally I got so angry I called every male in the place (I worked with 15 men) a pansy ass and went into the car and got the information myself. Well, you would have thought I was going into an unknown world. They all stared at me like I was insane.. To their surprise. I survived, the car was fixed and me and Doretta (yes that was her name) became friends. 

Fast Forward a few years and I got sick with Lyme Disease. By 1994 I was too sick to work but I was also full of anxiety and frustrated to no end sitting home all the time sick and in pain just staring at the TV. Someone suggested that I should try volunteering to see what I could actually get my body to do. I did just that and I picked a soup kitchen dedicated to AIDS patients at a church about twenty minutes from my home. I went two times a week for about a month when my body decided it had enough.

I will tell you though, those two months were the most rewarding two months of my life. I got to meet these people that others were so afraid of. Turns out with education and compassion there is nothing to be afraid of. I got to see life through their eyes. I remember a woman who would come twice a week on my days and she was very sick. She didn’t have long to live. I would arrive and there she’d be sitting in her chair with her IV pole  usually alone reading a book. We would exchange a smile or two when I served her a meal and finally one day I sat down and we began to talk. I never asked her how she contracted AIDS because it didn’t matter.. She was no different from me except that she was dying faster than I.  I don’t know if I brought anything to the days she had left but she had given me a gift that has lasted these twenty some odd years and will until its my time to leave this earth. She allowed me to know her, to be kind to her and to be a friend to her. I will never forget her or her beautiful smile.

I will be forever grateful for my time in that soup kitchen and if I am ever able to volunteer again  I would do it all over the same way.

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Manic Monday

manic-monday

On Mondays I usually bring you a treasure I’ve found at the Dollar Tree but this Monday fate had other plans.

On Saturday afternoon round about five PM our entire air conditioning unit decided to stop working. When that happens here in the South in the middle of July in the middle of a heat wave it’s panic time. I quickly called a repair man and as fate always seems to have it for me, the compressor is blown and can not be replaced because the unit is so old they don’t even make the part anymore. 

I have spent the weekend in my home sick from the heat as it has been between 83 at night and 90 during the day INSIDE the house.. Outside temps have been ranging the last two weeks here in South Carolina between 97 and 100 with head indexes of 105-1117. Yes, IT IS HOT!..

My only reprieve is that on Sunday morning Lou and our best friend Bill went down to Lowes and purchased a small window air conditioning unit for the bedroom which truly is a God send but, it doesn’t help when you are constantly going into the heat and then back into the cold. Yes, I feel physically awful but I am grateful for the little AC unit in the bedroom. 

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This morning it’s all about scrambling to get the best price on a knew unit, how quickly they can get here and how quickly they can install it. Due to my illnesses I do not do well in the heat. It only takes a few moments and I’m sick. So that is what we are doing at the moment. I hope to bring you a Dollar Tree post next Monday.

Thank you for hanging in there with me!. 

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