I'm Feeling It Lately

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There are many days, okay, most days that I try very hard not to complain, not to show how I am feeling and or I blow it off as no big deal but lately, sheeweee, I am having a really hard time with this. 

I am beginning to wonder if the last Twenty Two or Twenty Six years are finally catching up with me. I say take your pick between years because I was originally diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 1990 but it didn’t completely disabled me until 1994 so, take your pick. To me, twenty two, twenty six, it really doesn’t matter. Bottom line is, it’s been a long time. 

The last eight months or so I now suffer daily, excruciating pain like I never had in all my years of chronic illness. Which tells me, either something ‘new’ is going on or the old stuff is getting worse. I haven’t figured it out yet, don’t know if I ever will. 

One of the hardest parts is living in the South none of the doctors here and trust me, I’ve seen plenty of them understand , are not educated in nor do they care to be educated in Lyme disease and it’s associated tick born illnesses. It kind of leaves me hanging on a cliff daily just wondering when I’ll fall over. Not the easiest way to live but, I have faith that God knows what’s in store for me be it good or bad I know He will be with me.

Each day I literally drag myself out of bed and force myself to begin the day with whatever that entails. Usually it’s feeding the five mouths with four paws and then it’s off to the races taking care to see my husband has what he needs and then what my house needs. In typical female fashion I put my own needs last but as of late, I’m not even sure what those needs are anymore. See what I’m saying? My brain fog is so thick that if I were a boat lost at sea in the fog I’d capsize and drown. Not so sure I’m not drowning now but I will continue to do as I try too. Each day I will give my life and my day to the Lord, ask for guidance, ask for the intelligence to recognize his guidance and then follow it and Him. 

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I’m Feeling It Lately

13466411_1228904163788500_8860555414444616416_n

There are many days, okay, most days that I try very hard not to complain, not to show how I am feeling and or I blow it off as no big deal but lately, sheeweee, I am having a really hard time with this. 

I am beginning to wonder if the last Twenty Two or Twenty Six years are finally catching up with me. I say take your pick between years because I was originally diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 1990 but it didn’t completely disabled me until 1994 so, take your pick. To me, twenty two, twenty six, it really doesn’t matter. Bottom line is, it’s been a long time. 

The last eight months or so I now suffer daily, excruciating pain like I never had in all my years of chronic illness. Which tells me, either something ‘new’ is going on or the old stuff is getting worse. I haven’t figured it out yet, don’t know if I ever will. 

One of the hardest parts is living in the South none of the doctors here and trust me, I’ve seen plenty of them understand , are not educated in nor do they care to be educated in Lyme disease and it’s associated tick born illnesses. It kind of leaves me hanging on a cliff daily just wondering when I’ll fall over. Not the easiest way to live but, I have faith that God knows what’s in store for me be it good or bad I know He will be with me.

Each day I literally drag myself out of bed and force myself to begin the day with whatever that entails. Usually it’s feeding the five mouths with four paws and then it’s off to the races taking care to see my husband has what he needs and then what my house needs. In typical female fashion I put my own needs last but as of late, I’m not even sure what those needs are anymore. See what I’m saying? My brain fog is so thick that if I were a boat lost at sea in the fog I’d capsize and drown. Not so sure I’m not drowning now but I will continue to do as I try too. Each day I will give my life and my day to the Lord, ask for guidance, ask for the intelligence to recognize his guidance and then follow it and Him. 

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Resetting??? My Clock Part II #*(%%#$

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Yep.. Thats pretty much what it’s looked like. Every once in a while for only a little space in time I forget that I have been ill for over twenty five years and my body doesn’t work like those who are healthy. I get these ideas like, the whole trying to reset my body clock and think to myself, “this is gonna be great. I’ll have so much more time to do things. I won’t be as tired. I’ll finally be on a good sleep schedule” and the list goes on.

Then…..reality comes along and slaps me upside the head and reminds me that my body doesn’t ever do as I wish it to. It does as it pleases. Kind of like a hormonal fourteen year old girl. Its pissing and moaning one minute, sweet as pie the next and before you know, looking to rip your head off. 

I did try on Monday. I went to bed Sunday night at my usual time, Eleven – Thirty Pm or there abouts but I forced myself to get up at Five – Thirty AM and stay up. HUGE mistake for me. In the afternoon, I take a nap every afternoon. Yeah Im not really OLD I just NEED one every day! Anywho, I forced myself to only sleep in the afternoon for an hour. Second huge mistake. By Seven – Thirty on Monday evening I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open but my body was so wired from the lack of sleep my muscles  would not let me sleep!. I suffered all night feeling like I had been hit by a bus until midnight when my body finally decided it would allow me to go to bed. 

Then I thought well Okay, this is clearly not going to work. Maybe I should do what I do best and allow my body to tell me what it’s going to do. Wouldn’t you know Tuesday night about Ten PM I closed my eyes for what I thought was like five minutes. Then next thing I knew it was 5:00 AM!….Is it possible my body is going to allow me this one small thing to be in my control? Could it be? I don’t trust the SOB! It always dangles things in front of me only to snatch it away again but I am going to do what I did Tuesday afternoon. Im going to take my two and a half hour nap and see what time I fall asleep tonight. Maybe this reverse psychology will work on my body? I”ll let you know!.

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Something Yet Nothing….

Today was the same kind of day that I seem to be having for about the last two weeks. Lots of things I could accomplish yet I accomplish nothing. Although, I did manage to do a few things today one of which sadly, turned out to be a waste of food and energy but I had to try.

As most of you know and for those who don’t, I lost my ability to swallow solid foods fourteen years ago. (cause unknown despite many tests). Because of this I survive on very little nourishment (thanks to God) and a lot of soups but I still have issues with spices, gluten etc. So, cooking for me is not an easy task and when I find something that tastes good, I can swallow and sits well on my stomach I stick with it. The problem with this is it’s very repetitious and after eating it so many times you literally can get to the point that even the thought of one more spoonful is enough to make you projectile vomit.

Today I tried a new recipe for a gluten free cauliflower and quinoa soup. The good part, it was easy to make, quick to cook and would have, yes I said would have, tasted awesome! except for one thing. The recipe called for Thyme. I’m not a big fan of thyme but I made it according to the recipe although I only put in a quarter of the thyme it called for. Unfortunately that was enough.. it ruined the whole pot of soup. All you could taste was thyme and it left and after taste of thyme. I ended up pitching the whole pot down the toilet. Food, time and energy wasted although maybe it wasn’t all a waste because now I know for next time, to skip the ‘thyme’…

And then there is …..Toby who I am slowly beginning to call Dennis as in “Dennis the Menace”

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He’s only a baby and needs the attention of a 9 week old pup and of course we are potty training. Lou had to run out to the store today to get his medications and so that left me with the little ankle biter for a while. Im beginning to think he waits for Lou to leave before he starts his menacing. I”ll skip the details but lets just say it included some carpet cleaning.

Then….

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Jake here decided to bleed and I had blood all over the tile floor. At first I didn’t know where it was coming from but quickly (thank you God) found the source. Jake has a little wart type thing on one of his back feet and he must have chewed it and it bled. For something so small it sure bleeds a lot. I stopped the bleeding and cleaned up the floor.

One of the highlights of my day was a nice long(until I saw the blood) phone conversation with a good friend(thanks Trish). That was a nice break from all the thoughts floating in my head as of late. Another was, I didn’t have to cook dinner. Last night I made a huge ham and invited Billy and Linda (our best friends) over for dinner and there is plenty! for left overs.

Once I got all the dogs fed, the dishes loaded in the dishwasher, counters and stove top cleaned up I made myself a nice cup of coffee , sat down, turned on a cheesy Halloween horror film from my childhood and worked on my crochet some.

20151029_210652And that there folks was my day… Tomorrow I did want to get out and run some errands but because of the soup that flopped today I’ll have to stay home tomorrow morning and cook again. I”ll be trying another soup. This one is a gluten free white bean and ham soup. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

Robyn

XO