Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 


The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 


So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11


My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 


I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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Saturday Snapshots – My Week In Review

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What a busy week! As usual my intention was not to have such a busy week but it never seems to go that way….The beginning of the week consisted of running errands almost everyday in this unbearable heat. Here in South Carolina, all week it’s been in the high 90’s again with heat indices of 105 -110. Todays heat index was 117! Yeah, Im SO ready for fall and winter.

Thursday found me in a room that looked like this

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And of course once they put you in a room that looks like this they let you sit there and wait and wait and wait some more and well, I am not good at waiting. It’s something I am working on with God. Learning to be more patient. It’s definitely not a strong point of mine so then I began to look like this

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That’s my “if the doctor isn’t in here in five minutes I’m leaving I don’t have anymore time to waste” look.

But at least my outfit didn’t look half bad. Yeah I still don’t know how to take an outfit of the day shot. 

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I did manage to make a good meal this week. It’s my own healthy version of chicken stir fry.

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And poor Toby is just completely frustrated these days because he so badly wants to rough house 

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with his sister Sarah 

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But it’s just not possible yet.. Poor guy….. And Alvin learned a new lesson on Friday

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That you can’t go out in the rain and then run at mach speed into the house where you hit the tile floor because your legs will fall out from underneath you and you will slide across the floor into the table.. Yep, he did that.. Nope he didn’t get hurt and yes I laughed so hard I hurt my gut….

I spent the morning on Friday trying to make some sort of sense out of my craft/office/makeup room. I got 90% of it organized. Just some things left that I need to find homes for. 

Makeup portion of the room. Yeah, it takes a lot for my face to look halfway decent. 

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Yes those are filming lights I use to make my YouTube videos. They make the wrinkles look better. 

This is the office/craft portion of the room. Right now I’m just using the furniture I have on hand. Eventually I want white. 

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Didn’t come out too badly and at least I have a space and everything has a place to live for now..After I finished this without hurting myself surprisingly, I went to change that garbage bag you see off in the corner there and promptly pulled all the muscles in my chest on the right side so, once again I am off to the showers to see if I can make it feel better.. 

Hope you all had  a great week! 

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Housing Update…

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Its been a head spinning, stressful six months. I put my first ad on Craigs List looking for a new home to rent back up North. We had several things going against us. The biggest of those was our six dogs. I had originally put an ad up on Craigs list under my veterinarians watch to try and find homes for the three big ones because the truth is, it’s easier to rent a place with the three old small dogs than three large dogs. One of my larger dogs is my Lizzy who is a purebred English Setter. People were inquiring about her left and right. Then there was Matty & Jake my two lab mixes. No one it seems wanted either of them. I actually had one woman who came to my home and spent time with Lizzy and it looked like as if Lizzy had found a new home  but the night before the woman was supposed to come and get Lizzy my heart sank and well, honestly, I couldn’t do it. The pain it was causing both myself and my husband was horrible. A lot of people will say we are nuts but please take into account that our dogs are like our children so to us it was like giving up a child. I had to swallow the lump in my throat, call the woman and tell her the deal was off I couldn’t part with Lizzy. Thankfully she was very very nice about it all and said she understood and left the door open if we should ever change our minds to call her. 

Well now what? Here I thought I was being so strong doing “What I had to ” about the dogs and I just learned I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was when it comes to them. Now the question was, how in the world would I find somewhere to live with six dogs.. As I always do I turned to God. Yes, I speak to Him a lot. I told Him my problem and asked Him to help. I was kind of in a tizzy and then suddenly all the inner turmoil stopped and that “still small voice we all like to call intuition which I know to be God” spoke to me and I heard in my head, “Be Still and Know that I am God. Trust In me. Anything is Possible with God” Well, that was it for me. I thought to myself there HAS to be, just has to be a place for ALL of us and I know God will provide. So I trusted in God and placed an ad on Craigs List in a few different area’s I knew we could afford, including our needs, what we were looking for and… I put a lot of information also about our dogs.

Another obstical is that we are in South Carolina and we are moving back up to NJ. NY. PA and we couldn’t and can’t afford to keep traveling back and forth to look at places. So I would have to have people send me photos.

Sure enough to my shock (which I should know better by now being God is in control) I was getting replies. Lots of them. Some were laughable, some were not what we needed or were looking for, some were too far from where we need to be, some were too expensive, some were good and two of them actually got to the point of signing a lease until… we got duped by the homeowners. No, no money was ever exchanged its just that they pulled out at the last minute and one just totally disappeared. 

In Gods good grace we finally spoke to a man who owns homes up in Pennsylvania not too far from my family and in an area I am kind of familiar with. He sent me photos and the home is an older chalet type home built in the 1960’s. The house has good bones and really just needs a little TLC like paint and cosmetics. It has a brand new roof and a brand new AC/Heating system. No oil, No propane, No well water. All HUGE pluses and its a lot less per month than we figured on. We have been speaking with the man for months now who is really a home investor meaning he buys homes and either sells them or rents them. Next Sunday my family who is in New Jersey is going up to meet him, check over the house and the area just to make sure everything is the same as in the photos we were sent. At that time My family will hand over the lease and the security deposit and it’s ours.  We are allowed to have all the dogs with us too.

So once again, God in all His mercy and love for His children has provided for us. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked without all the garbage in between but truth is “Gods timing is not our timing and Gods ways are not our ways but He will always provide. 

As soon as Lou is healed from his gallbladder surgery we will start packing again and we hope to be up in PA by June 1st.

I would have liked to stay in my home here in South Carolina because I do like my house but there is just too much against us here and has been since we moved here. There is no family here, we dont have many friends accept our neighbors Bill and Linda who have become good friends of ours over the years and who I will miss immensely. Our home is so financially underwater that it will never, ever be worth what we owe even if the housing market does turn around down here which there are zero signs of that happening anytime soon. The money we are shelling out each month on a mortgage payment, home insurance etc leaves us nothing to save an usually we run out of money towards the end of the month. In this house there is just no way to make ends meet. The medical care here, for me, and my illnesses is non existent and has been for the entire time we’ve been here and my body has suffered because of it.  

Yes, financially, in every way financially we will be starting all over again and it sucks at our ages but at this stage of the game it’s the best thing for us and it’s what needs to happen so we can survive financially, medically, and emotionally. My separation from my small family has been excruciatingly hard on my soul the last twelve years. Granted we are like a  lot of families, most times we wanna kill each other but we love each other, we are a small family and we’re all we’ve got…

So starting over isn’t the worst thing in the world and for us, it is the right thing to do and I also see it as fixing a mistake we made almost 12 years ago when we moved from home to begin with. It’s time to correct it. Lou and I will do what we always do. We will take one day at a time, put our lives and everything in them in the hands of God, let Him call the shots and lead us where we need to be..

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