If you’re here you must have seen my last YouTube video.. I wanted to put this on my blog because it would have been too hard for me to film it and I felt I at least owed those who have been with my channel from the beginning an explanation as to why I have decided to stop making videos.
If you watched the video I put up on December 14th 2015 titled “I Can’t Do This Anymore… Minor Meltdown” it was about how badly a doctor appointment went and then it snowballed into other things that hurt me and that I keep deep inside me. That morning and those moments were a very low point for me. A point that I’ve been at before. When you are chronically ill and struggle in other area’s of your life this will happen to you from time to time…Now, as to why I am no longer going to make videos. There are actually two reasons..
During the morning of my meltdown I went to a Catholic Church that I have been to before. I didn’t know where else to go and who else could I go to that would understand completely what was in my heart? I sat with our Lord in the tabernacle for only a few moments but I was so shattered inside that all I could do was ask him to help me because I couldn’t handle anything anymore. I cried, I asked, I cried some more and then I left..
That night which would have been last night, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling on my heart. Wait, let me rephrase that.. It’s not a feeling, it’s a “knowing”. I spent more time earlier in the evening talking to Jesus before making any decisions because I still didn’t know what I needed to do to get my life and myself back into some kind of normalcy for lack of a better word. For a while now I’ve felt like I’ve just been losing control over everything in my life. It has no structure anymore. It has no direction anymore. Well thats when I felt this “knowing” very very strongly. It was time to back up and by back up I mean get back to Jesus. Get back to my faith. Get back to the One and Only person who can bring peace in my life but in order to do that I need to be present with Him. I can’t just keep flying by the seat of my pants. A relationship with the Lord is like any other. You have to nourish it each day or eventually it falls apart and my relationship with Him had fallen apart. Not because He moved away but because I had…. I was busying myself with social media most of the day and night. Telling myself I would get back to Jesus every day yet I didn’t because I was so busy making videos, watching videos, answering comments, wondering what kind of video I would put up next etc. So Jesus, I am ashamed to admit was not only on the back burner, He wasn’t even on the stove and, I lost my peace. I lost my connection. And for me, I NEED Him in my life. So this is the major reason why.. The next reason or two well, may not be liked by many but I’ve always been honest with you all and I’m not going to stop now..
There is such a thing called “over sharing”. Many people have fallen victim to it since social media has exploded in the last eight years or so. I am a late comer but, I also fell victim to it and it was glaringly clear to me after I put up that video which by the way I have since taken down…
When I first began my channel I thought I would do some beauty, maybe some DIY’s, maybe some reviews and that would be it. Well, over the last year it took on a life of it’s own like a monster being fed and I just kept sharing more and more of my life. I will not say I didn’t and don’t like to share but sometimes I think we can share just a bit too much and I have done that and for me, I have become uncomfortable with it..
Before YouTube, I was for the most part a very private person. I had a small circle, a very small circle who I shared with but that was it. As I thought about all this last night I realized that while my life was still rough, it went smoother than it has in the last year..I had peace in my life among the chaos. For those who don’t make videos you may not understand this but I’d like to think for those who do, you will be able to understand where I am coming from.
Beside the peace among the chaos I had in my life, I also had a life off social media. I did things, went places, etc without worrying if I should ‘vlog’ it. I want to get back to that. I want to get back to my quiet, private, peace among the chaos life. I don’t want to have to worry all the time what kind of video to put up, will they like etc. I know many will say, “You should just do what you like and not worry about what others think” well, eventually all of us who make videos fall victim to this kind of thinking. It doesn’t matter who you are, it happens and will happen to you…
Also, when you create videos for the world to see, you’re going to get people who want to hurt you with their words just because, well just because they can and they do. I don’t have a problem with constructive criticism but I do have a problem with people being mean just for the sake of being mean. I haven’t experienced a lot of that on YouTube but I have had some and I thought to myself last night, with all you have going on in your life why on earth would willingly open yourself up to that? You have enough to deal with….So, these are my reasons for no longer making videos. Now, will it be forever? I can’t say right now but I can tell you that it will be for the foreseeable future. One day I may reinvent my channel to something else but for now it’s on permanent hold.
So what WILL I be doing? Well, as I stated above, first and foremost I am re-establishing my relationship with the Jesus and my faith. I will be getting back to the life I was once happy with.
Will I be around at all? The answer is yes. I will still be watching videos and commenting on videos but, probably only videos on topics that I am truly interested in and when I can ‘fit’ it in..
Having said all this, I do want to say that my YouTube experience hasn’t been all bad. I have made many acquaintances and a few good friendships that I know will last way beyond YouTube and I will always be grateful to YouTube for that. I also want to thank all of you who have been with my channel for so long and even those who just came on board. You’ve always been accepting, kind, loving,supportive and I thank you for that. We live in a cruel world today and people like you are a rare gift. So thank you.
I will still be on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook but I have also limited my lists and time on their as well.. Do you still want to keep in touch with me? You can always email me. My email is email@example.com I would love to hear from you and see how you are and what you’re up too.
I will also be posting a lot more here on my blog. Blogging is a lot more private than doing a video and I have always liked to write. Like reading, I find peace in writing. So if you would like to keep in touch I hope you’ll bookmark my blog and visit me here.
As for my P.O. Box, I will be keeping that open probably until the end of January 2016.
I hope you all understand my decision and that it’s something I feel very strongly about and why and something I need to do for myself at this point in my life..
So as the photo in this post says :
It’s not Good-Bye, it’s a “See You Later”