Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 


The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 


So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11


My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 


I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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And So, It Begins

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In my last post I talked to you about a Spiritual Reading Program I was about to start. As of tonight, I have begun that journey. You may be wondering why would someone go on a Spiritual Reading Quest? Well, for me, it’s because I want to be closer to God. I want to know Him more, I want to love Him more, I want to serve Him and be pleasing to Him. How can I do any of these things if I don’t know Him as much as possible?

As with any relationship we can’t truly love someone if we don’t take the time to truly get to know them. Same goes with God. Our purpose here is to know, love and serve God and it begins with the first step. Mine is what I like to do best. Reading. 

I also shared this book with you…

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And the author of this book is very confident that once someone begins a spiritual reading program such as this, one will feel benefits right away. I am here to tell you, she’s right. I spent much more time this evening with God through reading than I normally do, I was able to more deeply contemplate, meditate on the Scripture passage I read as well and I already feel a closer connection to Him and I can not wait to get even closer. This I believe is His gift to me and I can’t think of a better gift. 

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Resetting My Inner Clock

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Today is the first day of me trying to reset my inner clock. For so many years I was on such a rigid schedule because of Baileys physical and medical needs that it became second nature…….most of the time anyway…Having lost my Bailey a week ago I then tried having no schedule and I have to admit for most of the week it was nice to be able to stay in bed until 9am every day but by last night I realized I am no good without some kind of schedule. I am just one of those people who needs routine in their life. Thats when I decided it was time to try and reset my inner clock although, not with such a rigid schedule as I had as with Bailey but a structured day. This leads me into something else that has to do with a structured day. 

For a long time I have been attracted to the life of a Carmelite, specifically discalced Carmelites. Whats that you’re wondering? Simply put, they are Nuns. Cloistered Carmelite Nuns who don’t wear shoes. May sound odd to some but you can check them out here and understand more.  A Carmelite cloistered nun spends her life in prayer. Of course not just prayer but the majority of it and she does this inside a cloister. Giving up the outside world. She lives behind the walls. The thing is I know for a fact now ( I actually didn’t know for sure until recently) that I am not called to be a cloistered nun. My calling in this life is to be a wife but that doesn’t mean I can not practice Carmelite spirituality etc. I am also attracted to the daily life of a Carmelite. If you go to their website and click on Our Daily Life you can see exactly how they spend each hour of every day. Its a structure that I would like to somehow incorporate in my daily life as much as my station in life (being a wife) will allow.  And that begins with resetting my internal clock also known as, early to bed, early to rise. Today was day one and yes it’s been a struggle to stay awake. I had my lights out by 1130 last evening, still too late but its a start and I was up by 5:30 am this morning.  I seriously had to force myself to stay up.

I did however take a nap for approximately an hour and maybe ten minutes this afternoon. Much shorter than what I am used too which is like two and a half hour naps during the day but I did it.. It’s now 7:30 PM EST and I kind of look like this at the moment trying to keep popping my eyes open.

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Wish me Luck!

If anyone would like to know about this please let me know in the comments! 

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The Lords Day

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How many of us can say we have someone like this? True, good friends are so rare in this life. If you are lucky enough to have a friend like this be sure to remember to pray for them every day and thank God for them every day because they are a gift to you from our Eternal Father..

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The Lords Day

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This is a prayer that is easily said but hard to do. Through prayer it can be achieved because being able to physically do this is a grace that must come from God Himself. So if you are struggling, ask Him. He will answer you.. Most of all.. Trust in Him…

I usually don’t add anything else to my Sunday posts but being this is also Mothers day I wanted to wish all the moms, grandmoms and step moms a very happy and blessed Mothers Day. You are the rock and foundation of the family. You are the glue that holds it all together.. Enjoy your day! 

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