Drowning In Fear

Drowning In Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it’s own set of extremes including death. 

The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr’s feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr’s heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren’t enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 

So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday’s reading and it’s from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it’s been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it’s been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I’m going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11

My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 

I am trying.. Please pray for us…

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The Lords Day


How many of us can say we have someone like this? True, good friends are so rare in this life. If you are lucky enough to have a friend like this be sure to remember to pray for them every day and thank God for them every day because they are a gift to you from our Eternal Father..

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Incredibly Grateful

Hello Friends, 

In my post titled Life Happens I asked for prayers for my husband. I asked for them because he is having some swelling of his ankles and feet. I have to be honest and tell you, I was kind of scared and worried because I know that this can be a symptom of many things and one of those very serious issues is heart disease, usually indicating an artery blockage or many arteries. My radar was also on high alert because the Mans father passed away from heart disease as did my own so knowing this, you can imagine I would be very concerned. I tried my best not to freak out and go from 0 -60 with the worst case scenarios playing out in my head and I did okay for the most part but I also did A LOT of talking with God..I put it in the Lords hands and was ready (not sure how ready) to accept whatever the  Father decided it would be. 

Well I can only say at this moment I am so incredibly grateful to God for not allowing the above to be the issue. We saw our doctor on Friday morning and he said it’s minimal fluid retention and he’s positive it’s from the steroids that the Man has been on due to a severe case of bronchitis. He was on pretty high doses for twenty days. He also gained quite a few pounds from it as well. The doctor said a diuretic was not needed. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a pill to make you pee a lot.. LOL.. It helps the body to remove the excess fluid build up.


Here’s my handsome man as we were leaving the doctors office. 

The Man was told to do some walking and watch his salt intake which he doesn’t really eat much salt anyway and the body should absorb the fluid. I honestly can not tell you how relieved I am. Me and the Man can bicker at each other like a couple of 90 year olds but I wouldn’t want to bicker with anyone else. Thank you to all of you who read my post (and I know there were many of you) and thank you even more for any prayers you may have prayed for us. 


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Slowing Down…..


Hey folks,

I apologize for my long absence..I have really put my blog on the wayyyy back burner but I have decided that’s not going to happen anymore…

So where have I been? In truth, sucked into social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and then I started a YouTube channel last year and that was the end of it. My blog got lost which is sad because, I really do enjoy writing on my blog, or at least I did until I really got into making YouTube videos.  Ive been thinking a lot about my social media use the last few months and I realized that it really had become a huge part of my life and for some, I guess thats fine but for myself it’s not any longer.. A lot of things have suffered in my life because of my heavy use of always being connected. I no longer do a lot of the things I like such as needle crafts, reading, watching a movie and most of all, praying. If you’re wondering how all these things could suffer because of social media I’ll tell you some about it.. 

I feel like I am always on information overload and I don’t think I am alone in feeling like this. It’s like I am perpetually connected to every single thing that goes on in this world and while sometimes that may not be a bad thing, for me it’s become a burden and one I don’t need. I find I can no longer quiet my thoughts. My thoughts are always moving at mach speed and my concentration has become almost nil. My thoughts are always going from one thing to the next. This is not a good thing. I can no longer watch movies, or sit and do some needle work because my brain is always moving along and sitting peacefully and quietly seems like such a hard thing to do now. I always feel a constant anxiety to move and do something. I guess I could describe it as my mind and body are always “on”.. They never just slow down.. My mind and body always seem to be in some sort of race. This is a horrible thing for my prayer life which has taken a huge hit. For one to be able to pray, pray deeply and connect with God, one must be able to quiet the mind and body. I have in the last year or so found this almost impossible to do and I hate it.. For me, prayer, connection to God is absolutely important above all else but, when one is unable to ‘turn off” this is impossible.

I made a decision last night that I would start learning how to turn off again and that means my social media use absolutely must be cut to a minimum. Of course I will still use it but not before the more important things in my life are achieved. Such as, prayer, getting back to Mass again every week and taking care of my family and myself.

What I would like to do is restart my blog because I have missed it. I do enjoy making videos for YouTube but honestly, not as much as I like writing. I believe I can find a balance in all this and I think the balance for me is, my blog will be mostly what I will use social media for. I will still make YouTube videos but only when I feel like it and definitely not on any kind of schedule.. I do want to keep up with those on YouTube Ive become friends with so I wouldn’t abandon it all together but my making of and watching videos is going to be cut drastically so I can devote more time to the things I mentioned above and to my blog.

I really hope some of you can understand and connect with what I’m feeling about my social media sink hole and I really hope you all will keep up with me on my blog…

Until my next post…. God bless you and keep you..


Suffering Is a Gift?

Some of you may be looking at the title of my post and thinking, “has she gone off her rocker?” Well, not quite yet anyway.. I wanted to talk about suffering and the way most of us look at it..Most people, myself included up until a few years ago looked at suffering as a useless and horrible part of life…Suffering is something we all want and try to avoid but what happens when you can’t do either? How do you deal with that fact? At some point in order not to “go off our rockers” we need to figure out a way to live with our suffering and try and see if it does have a part to play in life and for me, it’s taken twenty years and I’ve been given some answers to all my questions about my daily suffering.


As most of you know I am a Catholic Christian and my faith is everything to me. I also pray a lot throughout the day and each night. You also may or may not know that I have suffered with illness for the last twenty years which includes not feeling well on a daily basis, pain that is better or worse depending on the day but you learn to push through it all. Then there are the days and nights where I can be physically feeling so badly and in so much pain I don’t know if I’ll make it to the next day. It’s on those kind of days and nights God gave me the blessing of insight and knowledge about my pain and sickness. 

I have learned to use it and use it for the good of others. When my pain and sickness feels unbearable I offer it to the Lord through the Immaculate Heart of Mary for the good of those here on earth that I love, for an end to abortion, for the help of Christians around the world being tortured, for the souls in purgatory, for the sick, the poor etc. and in this I have learned that as crazy as you may think this sounds, our suffering can be a gift.  Now I’m sure you’re scratching your head saying to yourself, “how can that be? now I know she’s lost it”..

Look at it this way.. Most people, notice I said most not all. Most people who are perfectly healthy are usually concerned with all the things that are happening in their lives, where they want to be, what they want to get, the things they want to do etc. When we are in a happy state in life we rarely think of those who are not. It’s just human nature. We have become such a busy society that unless something forces us to slow down and see the world around us we don’t stop. We keep rushing through life like bulls in a china shop never seeing those in need here on earth and those no longer with us. 

When you are chronically ill you have to stop. You aren’t given much of a choice. It is then that I began to ask and learn about suffering and what it all means and why does it even exist. What I learned is that God allows us to suffer at times and all suffering has use and meaning. This is why it is a gift. If we take that suffering and offer it back to our Lord for the good of others it doesn’t go to waste. God doesn’t waste anything not even our pain.

It is an absolute gift and blessing to be able to pray for others and their needs. It is a gift and a blessing to pray for those holy souls still in purgatory (if you’re not Catholic you probably don’t believe in purgatory but I can tell you it’s a real place). So even though I do not wish to suffer, I do not welcome sickness and pain but since I have both I thank God for them because had I not had either I would have never taken the time out of my daily life to think of others before myself. And I thank God for giving me the blessing of understanding these things. I thank Him for the blessing of being able to offer my suffering for others because He has made it known to my heart that suffering while it may look like it is in vain it is infact just the opposite. He gives me the gift to give to others who may not be able to pray for themselves. He gives me the gift to be able to join my prayers through my suffering to those of His Saints and Angels.

So yes, you can have happiness and joy in the midst of suffering and pain and yes, your suffering is useful and yes your suffering can be a gift.