My Ten Year Old Self…

 

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I was recently asked, if I had the opportunity to go back and write a letter to myself when I was ten years old what would I tell my ten year old self? I thought about it for a bit but not too long because now at forty-six I know exactly what I would have said. My letter would look something like this. 

Hello ten year old self. 

Why don’t you come and sit down next to me here on this cozy blanket so we can talk a bit. 

I know you’re afraid. I know life seems uncertain and scary. I know the kids at school are being cruel to you and I know that you feel like everything has been ripped out from under you and everything has changed. 

In one aspect you are right. Everything has changed but just because it’s changed doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad. You don’t have to be frightened. Your mom will still be with you for a long, long time. You will feel comfortable again in a house that you will eventually call home. The kids at school don’t understand what you’re going through so do the best you can to ignore them and when you can’t talk to your teacher. Don’t be afraid to go to school and when you are tell your mom and she will help you. It’s only a few months until summer and the next school year will be better. 

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Soon you will feel comfortable around kids and grown ups again. In time the world will feel secure around you again. It won’t be the same as it was before but it will be alright and you will grow and mature and become a confident young woman who can feel safe and accomplish whatever you put your mind to.

Good and bad things happen all the time and they always will no matter how old you get but even when you feel like no one understands and you’re all alone there is one person that is always, always with you. Jesus is always with you even if you can’t see Him, He’s there. All you have to do is say “Jesus I’m scared” and I guarantee you that in a few moments you will feel better because Jesus will put His arms around you and make you all better. Just like you know your daddy isn’t here where you can see him but you know he’s in heaven and  he is always watching you and putting his arms around you too.

I know everything I am telling you right now seems impossible but I am asking you to hold my hand, trust me and go forward. Your world has changed but all that change will get better and you will stop crying, you will stop being afraid. You will smile again and you will shine again.

 

Love, 

Your adult self. 

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Soul Unhealed

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I don’t usually post much on a Saturday but this Saturday is different. This Saturday, August 20th, marks seventeen years that I have now been missing my Mom. Even just writing that still makes my head spin because in my mind it was just yesterday. Time truly is a mystery.  My mom passed away on August 20th 1999 after a short battle but well fought with Pancreatic Cancer. She wasn’t ready to leave us and we weren’t ready for her to leave. It was and has been a devastating loss to everyone in my family. In most families, and I say most because there are those out there that this does not apply but, blessed as we have been, in my family Mom was the glue that held everything together. While we have all carried on as best as is possible there are sadly, a lot of things that just fell apart because well, when the glue isn’t there anymore things tend to crumble. 

This is the one and only photo I have of my mom and dad together. We lost dad in 1979 at age thirty-six but thats another story for another day. This photo was taken on Christmas approximately 1977. In our house, Mom was Christmas and because of that we have many lasting, warm, loving memories of Christmas. 

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This next photo is a photo taken in 1985 just before my oldest nephews first birthday. My mom was an awesome grandmother and the “kids” (who are all grown up now) considered grandma their best friend. She loved and nurtured them in every way. She was the sun and the moon to them. 

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This photo here was taken on November 9th 1986. My oldest nephews first birthday party. Yes, my mom was fun and funny. She could crack a joke and take a joke just as good as anyone. 

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This last photo was taken on Christmas 1997. The last Christmas we would all spend with her in her home. And the last Christmas she would be well. Pictured here with her grand daughter and my niece Jillianne at age seven. Grandmas was Jillianne best friend, champion, cheerleader, booboo fixer and her everything. 

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My Mom loved to read, she loved to be in her garden. On a nice spring day you could always find her out in the backyard cleaning up her flowers and the backyard. She just loved being outside. She also used to love to blast her music on Saturday mornings when she would clean the house which consisted of Barbara Streisand nine times out of ten an Saturday nights were her nights with Frankie. Frank Sinatra that is. Every Saturday night for as many years as I can remember the local radio station always had a show called “Saturdays with Sinatra” and mom would be tuned in every week singing right along. 

 

My mom was many things. She was an excellent mother who when widowed at age thirty-six did everything possible she could to provide a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and clothes on our bodies. It wasn’t easy. In all honesty, I don’t know how she did it and I don’t know if I could have done it.  She was also a brownie and girl scout troop leader, my cheer leading coach on and off the field, my best friend in the whole world and after she got sick and I saw how she endured everything with such perfect grace she then became something else for me………. my hero… ……

Seventeen years may have quickly passed by but in my heart and in my mind it’s still 1999. I Love You Mom…

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Burning Money

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Yep. See that photo up there? Thats exactly what I feel like has been happening to us since the beginning of the new year. I had finally come to terms with my “spending problem” last year and decided that 2016 (some of us learn a little late in life) would be the year I would get my financial house in order, well as in order as possible at this point. I would stop shopping every time I saw something I liked. I would stop impulse buying. I would stop allowing myself to be sucked into buying the latest and greatest beauty item being pushed by almost every YouTuber in the beauty community on YouTube. Yes, this would be the year  we would get our act together and act like financially responsible adults. Hmm, you know that old saying about how “men plan and God laughs?” Well, He must have been laughing pretty hard when I decided all this because this year has been anything but being able to ‘tame the dollar’.

In fact, we are just hemorrhaging money this year and here we are halfway through 2016 and the savings account I envisioned is no where to be found and, we are so tight in our budget that we can’t breath. Wondering if it’s because I couldn’t control my spending? Well, believe it or not, that is not the reason why. For once in my life it’s not why. What is causing this? I don’t know.. Life? Fate? Someone have a curse on us? Let me give you a small list. 

In January our antiquated air conditioning and heating unit finally blew for the last time. We trusted a very “untrustworthy” person to give us a ‘deal’ on a unit that was only ‘two years’ old to the tune of $2500.00 US. Course, we were just starting out saving so we only had $1300.00 but our best friend lent us the rest. Long story short, the “trustworthy” man turned out to be a snake in the grass, ripped us off in a big way, ended up giving us back $1300.00 of the $2500.00 and washed his hands of the ‘two year old unit’.

Welcome July. One of the hottest months in the year here in the South in the middle of a heat wave and our ‘new to us two year old unit that was really SEVENTEEN years old” yes you read that right,(thats a whole other story for a different day) decided to blow all together. Yep, needed ANOTHER new unit. This time we had no where to go. Thankfully a very loving family member lent us money to buy a brand spanking new Air Conditioning / Heating unit but it is costing us $4500.00 US. So we are now in debt along with the rest of our debt for $4500.00

Oh June was a banner month also. Toby, one of our pitbull mixes was diagnosed with severe hip dysplasia and needed surgery to the tune of $2000.00. So, we are now also paying off a $2000.00 vet bill as well on top of the other debt we have. We live on a fixed income and don’t really have any way of making ‘extra money’ other than to sell items we own which, I have been trying to do but am not being successful. We are in slang terms, completely tapped out. So much so that we can’t hardly breath and the water is now up to the middle of our eyeballs. 

I’ve been wondering why I have been in a slump for about a month and now that I’ve written all this down, no wonder I’m in a slump!.. I get tired of life constantly beating the crap out of us..How about you? 

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Blessings

BLESSINGS

Life is hard sometimes. Okay, life is hard most of the time but in between the hard times lay the blessings if we are smart enough to see them and recognize them. Last week was a bit rough for us here in our home. Our central air conditioning blew out on us. It was the compressor and there was no way to fix it because it was so old they didn’t even make the part anymore. It needed to be replaced. There was no question but, in replacing the air conditioning we also had to replace the heating as they run through the same unit.  You’re talking a lot of money. $4500.00 US worth. My husband and I don’t have that kind of money so we panicked. It was incredibly hot here the last two weeks with temperatures of 90’s and heat indexes to go with it in the 110’s. Well thankfully a family member came through for us and we were able to replace it.

It couldn’t be installed though until Wednesday. In the midst of this I was sick from the heat and my body decided it would add some more sickness ontop of my usual chronic sickness. I won’t go into detail but, suffice it to say, “it’s a female thing”.  We ended up spending from Saturday evening until Wednesday evening in the scorching, un-breathable humid weather for five days. Wednesday evening after the new unit had been installed and the air was cooled to the point I was actually cold I can not tell you how grateful we are. 

I spent Thursday cleaning, doing laundry, washing and changing the bedding. At the end of the night, I was tired but I was happy and COOL!. Yes, I am one of those people who needs a clean home to feel peace in my home. I can’t control much in this life but a clean home is the one thing I can control.

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On Friday we learned that a friend had tragically passed away. It was a horrific way to die and so I won’t go into detail except to say that he was only 48 years old and it made me VERY aware of all the blessings in my life. I try everyday to be thankful and grateful. The things we take for granted truly are our biggest blessings. Such as, having another day with those we love, a cool house in the summer and a warm house in the winter. Having a roof over our heads at all.. Clothing on our backs, food in our stomachs, breath in our lungs. The blessing of knowing that even if we are suffering we still have been given and are given each day still more blessings and that there are others in this world who don’t even possess the basic necessities to sustain life.  

Life is difficult. It’s even more difficult when you have financial, family and or health problems but even through all these issue’s the good Lord sends His blessings. They are there. We just have to be aware enough to see them, recognize them and thank God for them.

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Dollar Tree Treasures

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Happy Monday everyone. Each Monday I try and bring you an item I’ve found at the Dollar Tree (dollar store) that I think is worth the money AND actually works well. This week I bring you…...

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Eye glass cleaner wipes.. I have to say that I was skeptical as I usually am but I thought I’d give them a try. Each towelette comes individually packaged for convenience and surprisingly are adequately moist. I figured they would be on the dry side but they aren’t.. They have a scent to them but it’s not bad nor overpowering and it disappears within seconds. The best part is they actually do clean my eye glass lenses very well!

So if you’re looking for a product to keep handy, I keep mind in my end table draw, to clean your eye glass lenses that always seem to be dirty. Mine do anyway, give these a shot. I think they are worth the dollar. 

Until next week! 

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(Not a sponsored post)